Why are you down cast, O my soul?

Have you ever just had one of those down in the dumps kind of days? Today was that kind of day for me. Last night I went to bed, knowing again for the 60+ month, that I was not pregnant... It seems like when my hope is the highest, dejection and self loathing hit the hardest.

I got up today, got ready for work, and it seems on these kind of days I try to do everything that screams "I'm not worthy". I didn't put on makeup, just wore jeans and tennis shoes to work (and I am not normally and tennis shoes to work kind of gal).

I also wore my class ring, I realized today, I only where my class ring when I am down on my self. It is not beautiful. In fact, it is rather plain and worn looking. It is not tied to an overly joyful period of my life.

Well, I read through some scripture and went off to work, still feeling dejected.

I am grateful for Oswald Chamber "My Utmost for His Highest"... one of my favorite readings... I have it posted on the bulletin board in my office.

The Discipline of Dejection
But we had hoped... and what is more, it is the third day..." - Luke 24:21

Every fact that the disciples stated was right; but the inferences the drew from those facts were wrong. Anything that savors of dejection spiritually is always wrong. If depression and oppression visit me, I am to blame, God is not, nor is anyone else. Dejection springs from one of two sources - I have either satisfied a lust or I have not. Lust means - I must have it at once. Spiritual lust makes me demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God, who gives the answer. What have I been trusting God would do? And today-the immediate present-is the third day, and He has not done it; therefore I imagine I am justified in being dejected and blaming God. Whenever the insistence is on the point that God answers prayer, we are off track. The meaning of prayer is that we get a hold of God, not the answer.

Oh how I hope to get to this place someday. Each month is another opportunity and each month I fail miserably as I jealously view all the pregnant people around me.

Somehow I need to wrap my brain around the fact that this life and all that it is is not about me... oh how hard it is to write those words!

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.